The Quietest Red Flags Are the Loudest
Yes, that was passive aggressive. No, you are not reading too much into it — even if they were all smiles ten minutes ago.
The most insidious part of dealing with someone who employs covert bullying tactics is not the actual cruelty itself, but the convincing gestures of kindness in between.
Often, someone like this will not be consistently rude — that would be way too obvious. Their disrespect will often come in a more image-conscious, calculated manner. A dirty look that disappears as quickly as it came. A subtle quip that seemed neutral at first, but later has you thinking, “Wait a minute…”.
But, even after a realization like that, you still may not be sure what you are dealing with. Because by the time you’ve processed what they’ve said or done, they are back to being friendly.
Still though, do not fall for their “now you see it, now you don’t” act. You did see it. You do see it. That uncomfortable feeling is there for a reason.
A lot of people will try to brush that feeling off in order to keep the peace or avoid facing the reality of who someone is. And, those who do this, do it at their own detriment.
Because that’s exactly what covert abusers want. The confusion you feel when interacting with them? That’s by design.
They use plausible deniability to keep you second-guessing yourself because, if they can keep you second guessing yourself, they can keep you quiet. You’ll be less likely to speak up — not just to them, but to anyone, out of fear of looking stupid or petty. And that, in turn, protects them and the strategically nice image that they’ve worked to curate.
The best mental tool you will have to fight against this is your sense of clarity — the very thing they are trying to thwart. Do not gaslight yourself. Do not write it off. Do not excuse it.
Whether you decide to speak up or not is up to you. But, do not overlook red flags for the sake of convenience.
Ignorance is not bliss — it’s blinding.
P.S. If this resonated — if you ever found yourself questioning your gut around subtle power plays like this — I go much deeper into how to read the room, decode social games, and hold your ground with calm authority inside my mini-course, Unbothered: From Underestimated to In Control.
It’s designed to help you stop second-guessing yourself in the moment and start showing up with the kind of poise and clarity that makes people take you seriously — without you ever needing to raise your voice or explain yourself twice.
